The stuff dreams are made of

Jan 9, 2014

Ever have one of those days that you just open your eyes and you know it's not going to be good? Not that you wake up in a bad mood…just that you have that feeling like it might have been a full moon and your kids turned into werewolves. Well that was yesterday! I got very very little sleep, I blame the fact that my husband chose a profession that allows him to jump out of perfectly good airplanes at all hours of the day. So I was up not only waiting to know he hit the ground safely, but also because I am a paranoid freak and think that every.little.noise means someone is clearly breaking into the house and I have no choice but to get up and turn on ALL the lights and ensure our safety is a go! This goes on for hours…its really ridiculous. But the husband got home in time for me to get 3 hours of solid sleep!

Avalon had a doctors appointment in the morning and I exhausted all avenues trying to not bring all three kids with me because I thought I had learned my lesson, but alas I was joined by all three musketeers. Getting them all dressed was hell, Pierce didn't want to wear his boots, Ace wanted to wear sandals, yadda yadda. Before we left I forced Ace to stand in front of the toilet until he felt the need to pee, this took forever but our pediatricians office is near our old house which is not near our new house. So jackets, boots, gloves, hats on. To the car to take jackets, gloves, hats off. We are in the car for about 7 minutes before Ace announces that he has to poop! REALLY! You just stood in front of the toilet for 10 minutes and didn't feel that urge then? I questioned him a few times and he insisted that he had to go REAL BAD. I turned around and headed back to the house to get him out so he could do his business. At this point we were going to be very late! I called the doctor to let him know because I didn't want to be those people holding up the waiting room. He assured me that we had time. Great, Ace is of the male population and does all his best thinking on the porcelain throne so it took awhile. Back to the car…off we went. 

I have learned that my children are great as long as we are in motion. Walking from the car to the doctors office, perfection-we are in motion. Waiting in the waiting room, horrible-not in motion. As we are making our way back to the exam room, perfect-once again we are in motion. Are you getting it? So we weigh Avalon, she is huge. A 7 month old 21 pound 28 1/2 inches kind of huge. But healthy as a horse! She did need shots so we waited….and we waited…and we waited until the nurse came back in. We have never waited this long, but they did warn me that they had a ton of sick little kiddos on the other side of the office. Ace and Pierce were starting to lose it, so I was forced to go all mary poppins on their butts and start pulling things out of my bag. I didn't go straight for the big guns just yet, I started with crayons and paper until Pierce started coloring on the wall. Then we went with a little race car action until Ace threw one in the trash. Then I was forced to pull out the iPad and chocolate…works every time. Silence. As we waited I took the opportunity to nurse Avalon, that's when I realized that I forgot to put breast pads in. Oh the glorious feeling of a shirt soaked in boob milk. The nurse came administered the shots and we booked it out of there faster then Ace could say I have to pee again!
Being the idiot that I am I decided that since we were on this side of town I might as well pick up the box the post office has been sending me notices about, as well as run through Target because, well, its Target. But no really we needed diapers and wipes. We went to the post office right next to our old house where the post master knows us quite well. He is so friendly and he said to Ace, "hey little man how are you" Ace replied "I have a butt hole". Wow! Great! Lovely! A simple "fine" would have been nice. Of course Pierce found this hilarious and started repeating "butt hole butt hole" all the way out the door. At this point I thought maybe we should just go home. But I knew I had about a handful of diapers left for Avalon so if she had a bomb kind of a day I might be out of luck. So I sucked it up and set my sights on Target. Once we got there I threw all children in one cart, used some threatening parenting techniques and walked through those automatic doors into the glorious warmth. I most definitely power walked my ass off to try and get through this excursion. Ace attempted to jump out of the cart every 10 seconds. Pierce poked Avalon in the eye no less than 8 times. Ace was sure to reprimand him by saying "Pierce you do that again and we will leave you here". We grabbed diapers and wipes and a few holiday scented candles that were on sale because thats necessary? As we are checking out Pierce reaches over and pulls a row of those iTunes gift cards off the shelf. I hurry to put them shove them somewhere back and turn around to pay. Ace asks for some form of candy and I say no and he yells "WHAT! why do you do this to me?" We make it to the car and as I am unloading Avalon I hear a horrifying crash…bye bye holiday candles, thank you Pierce. I buckled every last child in and made my way to the drivers seat and just sat there for a minute thinking maybe I should update my resume.

We make it close enough to the house for Ace to announce he has to pee yet again. Either this child has the bladder of a nine month pregnant woman or someone gave him a gallon of water as a sick joke!


---kelsey over and out----




12 comments:

  1. I really can't stand how they make you wait for shots. What the hell are you supposed to do with kids during that time? The iPad is GENIUS. In fact both of my kids have been using them almost all day every day since Sunday because when mom and dad are sick we just neeeed peace.

    Anyways. I WAS going to consider a shopping trip today but uhm. Wine? You with me?

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  2. Aww! I'm sorry you had a crazy day! Although I laughed reading this post. One of my least favorite things about living in a cold climate is getting the kids dressed to leave the house. It takes forever to bundle them up and layer clothes on them! It's a hassle! Thanks for the laugh though....especially the "butthole" comment. Haha!

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    1. I am glad we gave you a laugh Hana!! Never a dull moment with my crazy bunch :) haha

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  3. hahahahah I have a butt hole. I die. hahahaha

    For reals though, sorry for the crazy day and for laughing.

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    1. Don't be sorry…I laughed at myself through the whole day! Laugher is the best medicine…followed by a glass wine or a bottle if need be :)

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  4. Oh boy what a crazy day! You are my hero my friend!

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  5. You were brave to even consider Target after all of that. That bull's eye couldn't suck me in after the morning that you had. For us, we're going to go home and you're going to sit in your room and leave me the eff alone before I chew your head off. You're such a good patient mommy.

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  6. Kelsey, I was laughing so hard reading this. It reminded me when I volunteered to go with my daughters kindergarten class to a wildlife refuge. The tour guide showed the kids many insects and animals. Jumping spiders to which all kids were screaming kill them! Horror came over the guides face. Then the questions began. One child reported that his daddy had a big deer hanging in the garage with blood on it. The next child reported that their next door neighbor has a large turtle in an ice chest in the bathtub. However the best was when my own little GIRL said she had a question. The crowd went silent. I was holding my mouth anticipating what might she say? Drumroll....she sees a turkey vulture and asks " where is its butt hole "? I slid behind a tree and let the tour guide have the floor!

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    1. Oh my gosh! SO FUNNY!! Little kids have the best timing for things. I will admit that I did laugh to myself when Ace said that…he was just so matter of fact about it!

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  7. I can barely manage with one - let alone, 3! You are super Mom!

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    1. Haha! There is nothing super about it…just crazy :)

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