I miss breastfeeding...there I said it.

May 26, 2016

Yep, I am one of those crazy people that loved/loves breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is a personal choice, and I will never be the person to tell another human being what to do with their nipples. Hell, when I got pregnant with Ace I was 21, the thought of breastfeeding kind of creeped me out. I was like....umm....I don't know. Now my mom on the other hand was like, no you will breastfeed and here are some books to read and articles to skim and scan, and here is the number to a lactation consultant in your area, and a years supply of oatmeal to keep that production up....and I was still like, ehh we'll see. I will try anything once. Well, almost anything. So when I had Ace and he immediately latched on I was like, well okay then, we are doing this. And the love affair began. 
I miss breastfeeding, there I said it.
For all my babies I was an on demand milking machine. I never did the schedules, or wrote down feeding times, I just reacted off their cues. Ya hungry? Lets eat. Is that the right way to go about things? Who knows. I will never claim to be any kind of expert in the parenting field. That just seemed to work for us. We also co-slept (and Odette is still in our bed) so breastfeeding was just easy in the middle of the night once I mastered the old roll over and let baby nurse laying down thing. Chris will be the first to admit that he probably has gotten up a total of five times in the middle of the night in six years of having babies. Not that he wouldn't, or he didn't when I would wake him up. But at night I always felt like that was MY time. I loved having that alone time with each baby, when the house is quiet, it is just you and them, you can hear their little gulps as they hold on tight to your finger. Those moments were mine. And no matter how tired I was during that time, I miss it. 

I wrote this post about how I felt about my boobs after Avalon stopped nursing. Little did I know two days later I would be standing in my bathroom with a positive pregnancy test. I did in fact get lucky enough to breastfeed another baby! 

Breastfeeding is a lot of work! And there were times with Odette that I thought we would never make it. Not because she didn't want to, but more because my other children would burn down the house at some point. With three children running around, breastfeeding was no longer that relaxing time when baby and mom could sit down and catch our breath. We had to breastfeed on the move! Chasing Pierce around the house. Grabbing Avalon off the counters. Standing while helping Ace do his homework. I cherished our time at night even more. 

I was hoping that Odette would give me more time than the other kids. All my other babies cut ME off around ten months. Avalon gave me close to eleven. And Odette went a year. But they all decided when they were done. Which I guess in hindsight is for the best. I never had to wean any of them. They rejected me. How? I am not totally sure. My only theory is that I never stopped them from eating or drinking when they were interested in real food. Each older child would leave a sippy cup somewhere and a baby would pick it up and discover a magical substance inside, not breast milk. So on and so forth. They just wanted to be part of the pack and when the sippy cup hand out was going on, they wanted to be included. Again, since I nursed on command, if they were full from something else obviously we wouldn't be nursing. As this continued they all just lost interest. It was heartbreaking for me each and every time. But at the same time I was usually getting my first signs of morning sickness as well.

This is the first time in six years that I have stopped nursing without being pregnant again!! I kind of don't know what to do with myself. It is liberating in a way. My body is mine, all mine, I am not milking or incubating or anything. I can wear clothing that doesn't have to be altered in anyway to accommodate a belly, or an easy access point for a baby. It feels good, but at the same time I can't help but feel like this chapter just can't be over.....can it?

And no. This is not a precursor to a pregnancy announcement. I am cooking nothing but caffeine in this body. These are just my thoughts. I miss you a little breastfeeding and that's okay.


7 comments:

  1. Same here. It was a nice period. The ability to make problems go away--baby fusses, you sniff in their germs, cook up a batch of antibodies and feed it to them. Portable food, always clean, always the right temp. And it was like liposuction. I hadn't been that thin since I was 25.

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  2. Oh my god I was totally like..here it comes...she's going to announce it! I don't have any babes, but I feel like breastfeeding would be such a special connection if I was able to do it!

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  3. I'm indifferent when it comes to breastfeeding, it's never been something I've been dying to do. We will see how it goes once E arrives. :)

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    1. That's how I was with Ace, like if it happens, it happens. And he ended up doing great. But I didn't put any pressure on myself beforehand, ya know?

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  4. I do too. For me it's the finality of it. Never again will I nurse a baby. Which is just crazy to dwell on so I try not too. Turns out I loved it too. Never thought I'd say that either. Ha!

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  5. With Tori I pumped exclusively and this time around I am nursing, 6 months strong.. 6 months was my goal but I just want to keep going. Somehow, something clicked and all of a sudden I really love it too! I can imagine it'll be a sad day when I'm officially done!

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    1. Each baby is different, all my latched on right away but they each had their own way of doing things. I totally miss it, but I am embracing the freedom. ;)

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